Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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