Have you finally orgasmed yet?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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