don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
