I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
