u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Where is the hickey?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
