I wish I could punch you in the face.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
