Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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