Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize