I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
