I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
