Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
