Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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