My sheets look like a crime scene.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
