I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
