I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
