Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize