Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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