Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
