WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
