So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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