I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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