its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
