Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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