she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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