Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
