The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
