Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
