i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
it's great music for shaving your balls
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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