sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
