I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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