Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im six kinds of drunk right now
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
