oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
