She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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