I wish I could punch you in the face.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
