I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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