Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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