i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The best revenge is premature balding
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize