He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
