I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize