i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This is classic penis vs brain.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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