after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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