I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
