wat bout pragnant strippers??
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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