Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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