You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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