I just pynch a tree in the face
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
