kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
