god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
