cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
