Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
