I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
