Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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