Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
