I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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