Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
