he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize