Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
