sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
