i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
