Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
