it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize