Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
