I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
